monetization... that's the keyword for 2010...
isn't it amazing how the makmende craze has caught on? and isn't it amazing that the creators are still not in rolls royces and throwing money along electric street with women hanging on for dear life as they zoom by?
if makmende had been in new york, he would be filthy fucking rich. its called monetization... these days, unlike siku za ma-babu zetu, you can make money from bullshit. and its great!!!! :D But seems bado makmende haijam hit what he is sitting on.
Fact: 23,000 members on the facebook fan page ... and counting.
Fact: http://trendsmap.com has been showing makmende as the biggest thing in Africa for the last two weeks.
Fact: Makmende is number 67 on Google in terms of what people are searching... again for the last two weeks.
Fact: http://ad.ly monetize twitter status updates for upto a $ for everything they post... as long as you got the audience and the traffic. makmende has both.
Fact: There is no way to link Facebook Fan Pages to twitter. And the tools that are there do not allow you to link your members updates... but only makmendes as the owner of the fan page... hence no traffic. :(... a bummer you'd think? Nope! :)
Fact: Its possible to grab makmende Facebook Fan Page posts with an RSS feed, you just need to be clever... you doubt? I have done it check here... http://feed43.com//4341361554345858.xml ... all of them and for free... and Facebook can't do shit coz Fan Pages are public by default.
Fact: tools to put RSS feeds into your twitter exist... Yahoo Pipes is an example.
Is this getting interesting yet? :D
By my calculations... if we guesstimate that makmende fans are posting about 10,000 tweets a day and about 20,000 face book fan page wall updates per day... and that is a conservative estimate... makmende should be making about $15,000 dollars a day.
And his hype has been on for how long? two bloody fucking weeks. But wacha tu. So I decided... if makmende is not going to make money out of his hype, I will steal his tweets and his status updates... and I jsut did.
Problem is ad.ly monetize on traffic and members... I have his traffic... how to get his members? hmmmm... Easy-peasy... am working on sending the message out that if the makmende fans join on my "stealing" platform, I shall gawanya $10,000 of the $15,000 I am about to make each day to each one of them... let's all make money.
And its going to work coz of what you ask?
1. Makmende is not a copyright.
2. Facebook fan pages are public.. unlike Face Book Groups.
3. Ad.ly is a legitimate business.
I could use $5,000 dollars a day for doing nothing... couldn't you? And plus I think I have discovered a business model here... but tuwachane na hii story hapo :)
So... as I was chatting with a pal friend of mine today... she was like oh... wajua my job... its hard if am posted mbali.. so I shall ask them to give me a local position and if it fails I shall shika mimba. But I don;t want the husband... I just want the mtoi.
So being the good pal I am, I said .. sperm bank? She was like huh? I was like yeah... mwanzo the good thing with sperm banks is you can create cocktails... a pinch of chinese for brains... a squeeze of italian for looks and style... a pinch of kikuyu for those days he/she is taken for nyama choma at dagoretti... and of course somali/arab/mhindi for business sense and bravado.
She laughed. So I googled. :) And came across this fantastic website... http://www.cryosinternational.com .. and sent it to her with the message that she should save it for future reference. Cyros are the leading sperm bank and have offices in Denmark, India and New York... not a bad cocktail si ndio? Plus I always have my pals' backs.
Then it hit me... monetization. Instead of wasting my spunk here and there... why not get paid to waste it? So I went to the Sign Up Page.... and wololos... WTF?
check this out... eti... they have sijui screening and selection. I mean... yeah... its a sperm bank, wouldn't the term "medical checkup" or something along those lines make more sense here???? or is it just me?
can you imagine what a screening and selection session for a sperm bank would go like, here is a scenario:
"Good morning sir. here is your cup and dirty magazine. go wank"
Wank, wank, wank. "there you go, oops don't spill it"
"Hmm... let's see what we've got here... It's got an exotic smell...do you have a history of mental illness?"
"Ummm nope. Neither does my family. But Uncle pete used to make me screw goats on the farm"
"Hmm... no worries. We shall swish this stuff in our machines a bit .. kindly go wait there in the reception we'll tell you if we want your spunk".
Wtf? Would you go through something like that?
Anyway... they go on to say on their website eti... most of our donors are students in higher education learning. Hhmmmm. I had a sneaking suspicion that all under-graduates and post-graduates were wankers... but I did not imagine they are the best and preferred wankers in this business. Can you believe someone actually did that research? and how????
Gaiii.
Anyway... Kenyan university students... wacheni kujipully mukimwaga mwaga ovyo.. you can actually go get paid for it. If only the Gava had thought of this... no need for HELB loans. Gava, are you listening? monetization!!!!!
So now am scratching my head there wondering if me and my old sacs can qualify... and I read some more. Franchise opportunities. Heeee! Eti wot? But yenyewe money is money sio... if exc-loo-sive is making money from shit, someone else could make money from what comes out of the other end of the human body, right????
So I read some more. It says:
" How do I get started? If you are an experienced businessperson or have the potential to be one and if you are seeking to own, develop, and manage an international sperm bank, then the Cryos Franchise concept is something for you. You do not need a specific background or education, you must, however, be capable of organizing the business, hiring the relevant people and investing the necessary capital."
Ok. Let's see here. hiring the necessary people???? how on earth does one do that in this business? How does one begin to do that interview?
Eti..."Njoo. piga beshen hapa tuangalie mshusho wako. Ok... good. Now... tell us about yourself? any weird smelly thing come out of your dick lately? have you been with koinange street whores in the last 3 months? ukimwi? gonoo? wewe hu-steady vipoa ama saa ingine uko na shida? uko na watoto kichaa? kama hauna watoto kichaa wewe mwenyewe ni kichaa?"
Jesus. Anyway... si ni pesa natafuta. So I read some more.
"Your investment? The initial cost will be the deposit which must be paid at the signing of the Partnership Agreement. This could be a normal deposit or in the form of a first demand guarantee. The deposit will be negotiated in each individual case. You must also invest in facilities and equipment as well as salaries and running costs until the sperm bank can generate a profit."
eti facilities? you mean as in kibanda with a gunia door... a subscription to play boy and some disposable cups.. an ice machine and a coooling box? hmmm... I can do that, no biggie. Mwanzo my facilities will be deadly... they will be right in the center of casa-B of Florida 2000 ... with a one-way mirror. So that if the magazine doesn't do it for you, peek out of the mirror and handle your business. Hmmm... 200k investment tops... for a gisty one with a free beer as you come out. Maybe a computer with a high-speed broad band connection to kenyaraha.net... hmmmm.
Not bad. Ok... what next?
"Your application? If you find the Cryos concept interesting please send us an application. The application must contain a detailed description of why you want to become a franchise partner at Cryos International as well as your CV, including information about your background, education, professional experience, etc. If possible also include information about the market situation in your country regarding sperm banking, sperm donors, fertility treatment, legal aspects, etc. Send the application to Cryos International."
Why I want to become a partner? Why I want to become a partner???? Market situation in my country? Detailed CV???? Work Experience??? Education???? Wtf?
CV and Education background to open a wank-shop. professional-fucking-experience... yaani wanker-professional????? Aiiiiiiiiiii. This one is Ngumu... I mean am hardly what you'd consider a professional wanker... and does anyone know one of those anyway?
Ok, lets see.. how do i answer this one. hmmm....
"Oh well.. since my teens I have had substantial experience as a wanker and I have always had the long-term goal of opening an establishment like this where I can provide services to my fellow masturbators so that they can make some money. This will help me do my bit for the country in terms of addressing issues of poverty and empowerment and to me that will be the ultimate satisfaction. Not to mention making good use of the spunk that is wasted daily in this country and giving a boost to the economy by creating an economic niche to use this never-ending resources ie. spunk"
"with regards to the market situation in my country, most wankers wank after goign out to bacchus and failing to score. Teenagers are the most prevalent but they are inaccessible. The initial target market would be the universities and male hostels in the city with the vision to expand outwards to the other cities in Kenya. On average, Kenyan wankers wank thrice a day... but sometimes they wank in office toilets and in student shared loo. To have effective coverage of this particular demographic, installation of wank-booths at strategic locations within the city will be a phase 2 expansion phase.... etc etc etc"
Market analysis for wankers? You seriously asking me that???? Gaiiii...
But the bottom line is... 2010 is the year of monetization. So lock your tweets, facebook updates and spunk in a safe place... coz am coming to get them... lol
And by the way... anyone knows what exc-loo-sive does with the poo? I got a great monetization idea. Hehehe... just don't lick your lips next time you eat spinach in a tao kiosk. Ka-ching!
posted by cybersn00p @ 7:54 PM
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